Click, Clack, Moo

I am writing this post for my sister, Heather. One of her recent blog posts inspired me to rewrite this childrens story. In her post she was looking for the word that you would use to describe the incorrect use of a thesaurus. I couldn't find that word. The closest word to it I found was "malapropism". So I decided to greatly misuse the thesaurus to rewrite this story. I chose this story because it is one of Heather's favorite childrens stories.

Click, Clack, Moo Cows That Type
by Doreen Cronin;
rewritten by Valinda Rees

Farmer Brown has a botheration.
His cows like to type.
All day lofty he heeds

Click, clack, moo.
Click, clack, moo.
Clickety, clack, moo.

At first, he couldn’t accredit his ears.
Cows that type?
Inconceivable!

Click, clack, moo.
Click, clack, moo.
Clickety, clack, moo.

Then he couldn’t regard his eyes.

Dear Farmer Brown,
The stable is extensively brumal at duskiness. We’d like some stimulating blankets.
Sincerely,
The Cows

It was abominable enough the cows had found the geriatric typewriter in the barn, now they demanded power-driven blankets! “No way,” said Farmer Brown. “No juiced blankets.”

So the cows went on mutiny. They marooned a dispatch on the barn portal.

Attritional. We’re sealed. No bovine extract today.

“No formula today!” blubbered Farmer Brown. In the remote, he hearkened the cows industrious at work:

Click, clack, moo.
Click, clack, moo.
Clickety, clack, moo.

The neighboring day, he implied another commentary:

Dear Farmer Brown,
The hens are glacial too. They’d like rousing blankets.
Sincerely,
The Cows

The cows were evolving petulant with the farmer. They left a new agenda on the barn door.

Bankrupt. No moo juice. No ova.

“No hen apples!” sniveled Farmer Brown. In the background he ascertained them.

Click, clack, moo.
Click, clack, moo.
Clickety, clack, moo.

“Cows that transcribe. Hens on boycott! Whoever heard of such a thing? How can I perform a farm with no cream and no embryos!” Farmer Brown was furious.

Farmer Brown got out his own typewriter.

Dear Cows and Hens,
There will be no magnetic blankets. You are cows and hens. I summon milk and eggs.
Sincerely,
Farmer Brown

Duck was a neutral party, so he accompanied the ultimatum to the cows.

The cows held a plight meeting. All the beasts gathered around the barn to interfere, but none of them could fathom moo.

All night long, Farmer Brown tarried for an answer.

Duck knocked on the door prematurely the next morning. He relinquished Farmer Brown a scratch:

Dear Farmer Brown,
We will reciprocate our typewriter for electrifying blankets. Leave them yonder the barn door and we will propel Duck over with the typewriter.
Sincerely,
The Cows

Farmer Brown ascertained this was an admirable deal. He left the blankets parallel to the barn door and anticipated for Duck to come with the typewriter.

The subsequent morning he got a diary:

Dear Farmer Brown,
The lagoon is quite arid. We’d like a diving board.
Sincerely,
The Ducks

Click, clack, quack.
Click, clack, quack.
Clickety, clack, quack.

A Tribute to Bling-bling

It is with deepest sorrow that I sit down and write this eulogy in memory of a dearly loved member of our family. I did not get to write about him when he first came into our lives so I feel I must do him this honor now that he is departed.

Bling-bling came into our lives a short two months ago on November 2, 2006. He was my daughter's first pet. She chose him out of dozens of other fish she could have had, then lovingly picked out a home for him and stones to cover his floor and plants to make him feel at home. I was so proud of her when she made him her responsibility and fed him carefully and took care of him. They soon became good friends. Before long the whole family fell in love with him and he became part of our family.

Bling-bling was not an ordinary fish. He was a handsome betta fish, with scales of amethyst and mother of pearl, and fins of the bluest sapphire. It was because of this jewel-like beauty that my daughter named him "Bling-bling". He was not a timid fish, like so many others who go into hiding whenever someone approaches, but a friendly happy fish. He eagerly swam up to greet us whenever we came near, his tail fin wagging excitedly like a puppy's tail. Full of life, he entertained us with his animated personality, showing off and playfully nipping at my fingers when I put them in the water. He brought us such joy.

During Christmas time we had to leave him in the care of a young girl while we traveled for the holidays. I'm sure she took good care of him, but when we returned and brought him back home, he was not the same. He was no longer the happy, energetic little fish he was when we left. Now he was sad and sick. What happened to our poor little Bling-bling? Did he think we had abandoned him and become sick from a broken heart? He had such a healthy appetite before and now he refused to eat anything. I tried to nurse him back to health. I sat by him, minutes at a time, trying to coax him to eat, offering encouragement, but to no avail.

He was brave to the very end. I could tell he was trying to get better. He made feeble attempts to wag his tail fin for me and even tried to swim in circles, but his movements were jerky and slow. Finally, last night, I made what became my last attempt to feed him. He was near the bottom of the bowl and made a valiant swim to the top. But it was too much for him and he nose-dived back to the bottom, his nose buried in the stones below. He tried one more time and could not make it.

This morning I checked on him but he was gone, standing on his nose between the branches of his plant. It was a heartbreaking sight. Tonight I will have to break the news to my daughter.

The funeral will be held this evening as we gather around to send him to his watery grave via the porcelain express. His life was too short.

Farewell, beloved Bling-bling. May you find peace in fish paradise where there are no predators and the clearest water and best fish food to make a fish happy. You will be missed.

* All condolences and flowers will be graciously accepted.

** Anyone who wishes to start a scholarship fund for the Alpha Betta School of Fighting Fish in honor of Bling-bling may do so with our blessing.

Bling-bling
Nov. 2, '06-Jan.11, '07
Beloved Fish